After a great deal of reflection, self analysis, shadow work and inner child work I have come to realize that my path has been rife with self sabotage up until just recently. I had EVERY excuse under the sun to not exercise, to not spend time outside, to not choose healthy, nutritious foods that actually agreed with my body and to simply take proper self care. I didn’t care to heal myself or my life. Even if someone handed me all of that on a silver platter, I bet you I could still come up with the reasons why that I could not do that today. I did not feel worthy of what might come along with making these integral changes in my life.
I had everything I needed all along, the knowledge, the power, the tools within myself but deep deep down I was afraid. Afraid to take a chance, afraid to stand up against the status quo, afraid to say no to the typical S.A.D (standard north american diet) I had a deep routed fear of being seen by those around me and such a low level of self confidence from trauma that I have been through throughout my life that I could not get beyond. I was afraid to really LIVE and start my life. I was holding onto the past and the patterns and unable to break free.
This pattern of self sabotage became my own personal hell. It was the never ending hamster wheel that I could not get off. Until one day I said no more. I will no longer accommodate the pattern of self sabotage that had become apart of me and I no longer will identify with that. I will no longer kill myself with food, negativity and nasty self talk. I love life, I love myself and I want to live! Like…really live. Disease free. I will no longer accept that I have to live with the disease that I created in my body by the choices of self sabotage that I once made. I have the power to say no and to change. We all do.
The thing is…i was never ready before now. Everyone will have to come to this point in their own time of acceptance and letting go and making the choice. And I’m just glad that my time is now.
“When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can’t make them change if they don’t want to, just like when they do want to, you can’t stop them.” – Andy Warhol