Self Sabotage

This topic is an important part of my journey – and a very important self realization for me that I included it as a sub topic in the “about me section”. Can you relate? Have you played a role in any of your suffering, weight gain, disease etc…? I know I have.

After a great deal of reflection, self analysis, shadow work and inner child work I have come to realize that my path has been rife with self sabotage up until just recently. I had EVERY excuse under the sun to not exercise, to not spend time outside, to not choose healthy, nutritious foods that actually agreed with my body and to simply take proper self care. I didn’t care to heal myself or my life. Even if someone handed me all of that on a silver platter, I bet you I could still come up with the reasons why that I could not and would not do that. I did not feel worthy of what might come along with making these integral changes in my life.

I have realized that I had everything I needed all along, the knowledge, the power, the tools within myself but deep deep down I was afraid. Afraid to take a chance, afraid to stand up against the status quo, afraid to say no to the typical S.A.D (standard north american diet) I had a deep routed fear of being seen by those around me and such a low level of self confidence from trauma that I have been through throughout my life that I could not get beyond. I played into the trauma that happened to me and let it affect me more than it should have. I was afraid to really LIVE and start my life. I was holding onto the past and the negative patterns and unable to break free.

This pattern of self sabotage became my own personal hell and identification. It was the never ending hamster wheel that I could not get off. Until one day I said no more. I will no longer accommodate the pattern of self sabotage that had become apart of me and I no longer will identify with that. I will no longer kill myself with food, negativity and nasty self talk. I love life, I love myself and I want to live! Like…really live. Disease free. I will no longer accept that I have to live with the disease that I created in my body by the choices of self sabotage that I once made. I have the power to say no and to change. We all do.

The thing is…i was never ready before now. Everyone will have to come to this point in their own time of acceptance and letting go and making the choice. And I’m just glad that my time is now.